Silence

 

Head submerged, 

Tiny feet 

        They flap-about-me

 

Arch the balls and spread your toes, 

                                             arch and spread

                           spread and arch

 

starfish through – 

                                                                  now back together

 

spear the water

–

–

plunge deep into the depths

 

My arms drift away 

                                                                                        from me

Extensions of their own

 

Come —                                                        float beside me as I skim the water

 

Watch how it slides through my fingers

                                                                                              dead man pose

 

Restful in the warbled echoes of 

 

underwater symphonies 

 

I believe, 

 

Truly I am in love

 

With this leaking silence

 

—

 

I was five 

                                                                                         maybe six years old

 

Unable to learn forms 

 

                                                                      of that new strange tongue

 

Not an English speaker yet

 

Taped lips, 

a whirlpool of gibberish,

 blank empty gazes, 

frustrated attempts,

Mis-communicated connections

Bouts of silence

 

 

My own lover’s quarrel

                                                                                Felt through 

 

                                                                                   in my body

White fire – singes – the peaks of my ears

 

My tongue 

still heavy 

 

betray me in form

 

                                                                As I compete at fluency

sounds that never belonged to me

 

Split 

        –

              – 

                   – through me 

 

Parting parts of me

 

 

                                            Yet how familiar the violence seems

 

 

 

Only four when I first find a conch shell

 

                                                 hear the sounds of 

                                                 –  the sea

whispered 

     …

           …

                 into my ear 

 

 

Waves lap, lick the shores of my skin

strange and familiar 

this 

song 

in silence 

is

                                               Felt in my bones and body

I fall in love again

 

Back to the table 

 

                                    – harsh phonetics of the English language

The sharp slice of a word 

 

 

                               The soothing balm

 

Found too 

 

Threadbare constructions 

 

                                                                           Weaving through

Naming is giving life

 

 

see it fail 

 

 

                                                                   In that emptiness

Vacuous vacuum

                                                    No place can hold space for it

 

 

silence leaking through

 

                                                                          what can continue to exist?

 

 

 

When I finally learned to speak the English tongue

Maa sighs out loud – ‘I was beginning to give up hope, later than most

 

 

                            Is this a lack of your ability or mine?’

 

Yet—

 

 

I am overpowered 

                         As thoughts fight for dominion,

                                                                                   deafeningly mute

Desperate to taste                                                                 life of their own

 

Tired of observation 

                                                                                 Of quiet contemplation

 

 

They in continuous motion,

 

                                                             All within that leaking silence.

 

 

Giri received her MPhil in Arts, Creativity, and Education and is currently pursuing her PhD in Education (Arts Creativity Research Group) where she’s exploring Listening as a Methodology in Pedagogical Spaces through Sound/Silence/Stillness as presencing alternative socio-cultural worlds, histories and legacies in Higher Education. She works with The Brilliant Club in Access and Inclusion and curriculum development and as a learning host at Kettle’s Yard designing and developing learning engagement programs utilizing aesthetic education, performance within museum spaces and oral methodologies in school and community work. She is particularly interested in exploring decolonial practices.